INFORMATION TO HELP NEW MOTHER’S AND FATHER’S

A MOTHER'S DICTIONARY
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
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SMILE AWHILE
I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?"
She said, "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.
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FUTURE BUSINESSMAN
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Joshua said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow replied. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!"
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LAWS OF LIFE:
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
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POINTS TO PONDER
The only time you make a mistake is when you don't learn from it.
I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.
A mother can touch a whole generation just by loving her own child well.
Mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to prove that sleep is unnecessary for human existence.
I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
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YOU KNOW YOU'VE TURNED INTO A MOM WHEN...
~ You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
~ You find yourself humming the Wiggles song as you do the dishes.
~ You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
~ You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
~ You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
~ You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called "101 Fun Crafts To Do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells."
~ You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
~ You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak.